That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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