I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
