i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
