girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
