and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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