I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
