I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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