I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
