I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
