never play flip cup with pint glasses
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
