my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
