there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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