i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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