I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
