i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
