Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
