dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
