Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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