my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
