wrigley field is MILF paradise
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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