Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
