All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
