I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
if only i could text you this smell
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
