This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize