Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
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