I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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