I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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