i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
