I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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