im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
