eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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