i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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