I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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