Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
