Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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