Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
