I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
