im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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