I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
