I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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