i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
