Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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