if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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