i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
