i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
