I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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