totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
