then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
