How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
