I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
